


Sexually Transmitted Sunburn?

by Kittysnape



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-18 05:11:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittysnape/pseuds/Kittysnape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when a certain Vulcan get a sunburn! And that Bones owns Jim.  Our favourite trio is there to lighten up the day, but it's mainly Bones having fun at Jim's expense!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexually Transmitted Sunburn?

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely something to have fun reading, very near a PWP :P It is an established relationship fic, but where no one knows and McCoy figures it out, or so it seems...

"Kirk to transporter room"

"Scott here, Cap'tain"

"Have McCoy report to the transporter room with a nurse to receive landing party "

"Someone's injured Cap'tain?"

"Mr Spock seems to have caught something, a strange disease that only the Vulcan seems to get, for the rest of the landing party is unaffected. Nevertheless, I would require them to be quarantined with me and Mr. Spock in case it spreads. Please have the deck clear of crew so we can be sure to contaminate the fewest people, if this comes to be a dangerous disease. And have a crewman handle the beaming up so you can return in engineering. "

"Aye Cap'tain."

\------

When everything was set up so the men could beam up without bringing to harm the Enterprise's crew, the first thing greeting them was a pissed off McCoy.

"Where the hell have you been sticking your nose again to get... a brown toasted Vulcan?!" And then he went blank with pinched lips, refraining from laughing out loud at the view.

" _I wonder where Jim got him to end up bad like that"_ thought McCoy. Jim mistook it for deep shock and asked the doctor what was wrong.

McCoy calmed down and, while escorting the Captain and his First Officer to Sickbay, he asked the other crewmen from the landing party to be moved in a room beside Sickbay to wait. Then the trio went into McCoy's office and Spock's examination began. McCoy took the tricorder's reading on Spock and the Captain. It confirmed his first hypothesis of nothing very serious; and a good prank came to his mind.

"I am nearly 100% sure that only a half-Vulcan would get this disease, but I will make sure to examine you and the other crewmen to be sure. Fortunately, Jim, you seem to be in perfect health except for mild dehydration. Now would you tell me what you were doing when you noticed that?"

"I… err, was walking back to the landing party and..."

McCoy let an exasperated sigh out of his mouth, knowing where this was going to end, and taking pleasure in teasing his friend. "I meant during the day, Jim, not when you found out his color had changed. If there is anything that could explain this, it's probably linked to the thing you touched or ate or whatever."

Kirk's face went red when he recalled his very pleasurable afternoon. " _I was helping Spock out of his wet clothes when a breeze caressed his body, made him get goosebumps. I stroked his arms and fingers to get him warm and one thing led to another._

_We started kissing and soon I was_ _without clothes, too. I helped Spock to the cover of the trees and as he leaned against the brown trunk, I kneeled down and took him in my mouth, my tongue rolling and stroking his manhood._

_I then picked up berries and smashed them over his body, licking the sweet nectar over his ears, hands and nipples. He_ _laid me on a flower and grass bed and used some red flower juice as natural lubricant and pushed his throbbing hot member into me. We were soon a mix of semen, flowers and bodies mashed together after our respective climax. After that I remember falling asleep from exhaustion and blissfulness..._

_This won't work;_ _even with the neutral tone I used I'm going to make him have an attack...I should probably stick to a no sex version"_  he agreed with himself.

"The landing party went their separate ways to check out the planet and Spock and I went not far from the landing point, to the riverside, to study the plants and animals living near the perfect translucent water. I sat under a yellow and white tree while Spock took water samples, when I was startled. The noise made me get on my feet, just to see my First Officer attempting a move back on solid ground after falling into the river."

"And then he laughed at me for 10 of your Terran minutes" Spock interjected with that neutral tone of his.

"But then you pulled me into the water when I tried to help you out of the river," Jim added, slightly pissed. "We then got rid of our soaking clothes to let them dry out in the sun. I felt a bit hot so I went back under the tree and Spock went back to his samples." The Captain looked away, as if there was something else. "When he, err, wanted to wash his hand of the dirt at the end of his sampling, I..."

"He pushed me into the water as I just succeeded in getting my temperature at an acceptable Vulcan heat," Spock interjected again, with a small hint of disappointment in his tone.

"And after he was dry again he put his shirt back on and that's when I noticed the contrast his skin made with the blue of the shirt."

McCoy sat silent for two minutes with his disapproving, yet questioning look, in fear of bursting out laughing immediately upon opening his mouth. " _And that's how, Captain T. Airhead, that a half-Vulcan wet by two times under a sun as powerful, if not more, than his late home planet, can catch a sunburn, hence his funny color."_

Then McCoy finally snapped out of it and said, "Well, how about those paler stripes on his chest and belly". He knew he shouldn't have said that when the Captain looked more alarmed, clearly not following McCoy's train of thought.

Without making more dangerous assumptions for the mental health of his Captain, McCoy just went on with his medical advices. "Well, fortunately I have the samples to look in for a possible dangerous component for Vulcans or Humans, or both. It could also just be an allergic reaction to some of the plants you encountered on the planet, so I'll prescribe you a soothing cream to put on while I try to learn more of this affliction."

McCoy then asked Jim to go get a glass container with a white-greenish cream inside, and to apply it on the Vulcan.

"Why can't the nurse do it? It's her job after all." Jim tried to escape the situation, fidgeting.

"Because I'm the doctor here and I will need my nurse with me to examine all crewmembers that went down on this planet. And if you want them back fit for duty soon , I should go to work  _now."_ When the doctor saw Jim open his mouth again, he added: "If you wanna take my place and do the medical survey of the crew yourself, I'll stay here casually until you figure out I'm the Doctor and you're the Captain."

"I think what the good Doctor is trying to say, in your Earth colloquialism, is 'I have made my point'. "

"Yes, thank you Mr. Spock, to have pointed that out; I would have been lost without your knowledge. Bones, I think as Mr. Spock just said, that you made your point, and you are now free to return to your important medical business." Kirk couldn't help but let sarcasm show in his voice. What could he do? When his two best friends wind up against him he was powerless, Captain or no Captain. Hopefully this doesn't happen too often.

McCoy departed, leaving Spock in Jim's care until he could do the next part of his plan.

Kirk took the cream and read the instructions on it. Now he had to massage Spock to make the ointment penetrate his skin. It didn't say how precisely he had to do it. When Spock had stripped to his boxer shorts to reveal his whole body, he had a light chocolate-milk color; Kirk remembered how Spock walked and slept in his Adam's cloth all afternoon. He felt arousal and guilt run through his body; divided between his obvious needs and the fact his initiation of the tumble in the grass might have harmed his best friend and lover.

"Do you have a sample of the plants we slept on this afternoon? It might help Bones figure out what caused this."

"Yes, Captain, I have a sample of the eight species of flowers, five kinds of grass, two bugs and the humus that we came into contact with during the 5.3 hours we were there. I could beam down to conduct some more research if you find it of some support to the good Doctor."

"No, it would be illogical only if Bones finds the disease on the landing party and the samples you'll provide him are not sufficient to make a remedy. And it's Jim when we're alone, remember?"

"Are you  _mimicking_ me, Jim _?_  Or maybe we are spending too much time together. I could not help but notice your last judgement was based solely on the logical course of action whereas mine was based on what y _ou_  would find suitable to do."

"Oh my, we're an old couple already. Do you think Bones noticed?" Jim added, half-serious and half-joking. He chose that moment to put his hand full of cold cream on Spock's chest, who couldn't help a yelp of surprise.

"Perhaps you would not mind warming up that cream  _before_  you put it on me? I am feeling quite hot and the ointment, well, feels like icy water that sticks on me."

"Well you are surprisingly whiny today, Mr. Spock. Perhaps I could blow up your mood." Kirk headed towards Spock's chest and whistled air where he had put the cream. Goosebumps ran from neck to toe on Spock's body. With a gleeful smile at Spock's tent-shaped boxers, he stood up and poured more cream into his hands.

 _Only an experienced eye like his_ _could notice the faint glow of lust and expectation in the Vulcan's eyes. He knew him the best and had this privilege of understanding his wants with an eerie accuracy_ , Jim though with pride.

Instead of reaching for the underpants, Kirk pulled the Vulcan's right hand and started massaging his fingers, slowly, one by one. He then gave the same punishment to the left hand. Spock had his head leaned backward, hushed moans coming out of his closed lips.

Kirk stepped back and stripped. He put some cream on his own chest and he took Spock's hand in his again and slid his chest on him, spreading the cream chest to chest with a circular motion while his pelvis did the same. Soon Spock's boxers were pleated from the sweat and the movement. Jim finally released the throbbing cock from its cloth sheath and creamed it with his hands and his own cock.

His hips pushing forward, the Vulcan moaned for more. Kirk's lips covered the other's, biting his lower lip with passion and sliding his tongue inside his partner's harshly breathing mouth. One, then two fingers found their way inside Spock's body, covering him in cream even where it was not mandatory, at least not for its main purpose.

Kirk positioned himself behind Spock, slowly replacing his fingers by his erection. He started to move, pounding hard on his First's prostate.

"Please Captain, don't stop moving," Spock called, his voice hoarse with desire, not far from climax.

Kirk got out of Spock's furnace, leaving only the tip inside.

"I thought you were supposed to call me Jim, especially now," Kirk teased him.

"Plea...please... Jim"

With one big thrust, Jim hit his prostate again, then got out to the tip and thrust again, harder. He took Spock's member in his hand and moved it to the rhythm of his hips.

"Oh god Spock, I'm coming." Kirk's hand moved faster on the pulsating erection as his own cock released his semen inside Spock's body. He kept moving his hand faster and the waves of climax hit Spock not long after. They cleaned themselves and Kirk finished putting the cream on the sick Vulcan. He brought the dirtied clothes back to his quarters and changed to new ones. He returned to Sickbay, the chessboard in his hands.

When McCoy came back from examining the other crewmen, he found Spock, lying in his biobed, covered with the cream. He and Jim were playing chess and the Captain was clearly not winning this one. He filed his medical report and went back to Spock for his last medical advice.

"Well Mr Spock, it seems we're lucky, no other crewmen got what you got, so it seems unnecessary to keep you quarantined. Although, if I may suggest, you should refrain from having any sexual intercourse as this could likely be sexually transmitted."

Three days later, Jim came rushing into Sickbay as soon as his Alpha shift had ended.

"Bones, I need you to find the cure of this disease, I can't stand it anymore."

"Jim, maybe there is no cure. And shouldn't that be the bother of Spock? Why are you so affected by it?"

"Because I ... I don't know, I feel like I caused it."  _That was half the reason, but he couldn't tell McCoy his sex drive was overpowering him because of the no sex order the doctor gave Spock; and the fact he had already had sex with him and was afraid he got the thing, for he was turning blue,"_ Jim finished in his head.

 

" _H_ _a, you can't be more accurate"_  McCoy refrained himself to let out. "Well I don't think the Vulcan would be angry at you even if you caused it. Unfortunately I'm 97% sure the remedy is time, for both of you."

"What does time have to do with all of this?"

"Well at least that's how a human like you would recover from sunburn," McCoy couldn't help but point out the answer to his oblivious friend and Captain.

"I studied Vulcan biology like you and..."

"I know, Vulcans can't get sunburned, but you seem to have forgotten your first year of school."

"I don't remember anything about sunburns and Vulcans in my first academy year."

"I mean your first grade Jim, or even kindergarten. What do you end up with if you put red and green paint together?"

"Brown."

"Exactly."

"Your point being?" Jim clearly needed help on this one.

"That a half-Vulcan with green skin under-reacting to sun and white skin over-reacting to sun double dipped in water under a shining afternoon makes an amazing recipe for  _brown sunburn_!"

"Is that supposed to explain how there is no cure for his disease?"

McCoy felt like giving up; clearly this wasn't the best day for Jim. "He's got no disease Jim, only a tan, however unfitting to your tastes you find it to be."

That's when Jim got rid of his uniform. McCoy was confused as to why his Captain was striping off of his clothes. He then caught the weird greenish color of Kirk's chest.

"And now that I've got his disease what do you propose we should do, Doctor know-it-all?"

This time the Doctor couldn't help it and cracked up in laugher.

"Jim, you are unbelievable," McCoy said, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. "You know, next time you wanna have sex on duty, remember to wipe yourselves before sleeping under the sun or you'll get the same tan lines that Spock got on his abdomen."

"And another thing," McCoy added just to savour his total win over Jim. "Never ever do it in my Sickbay again or I'll make you clean up the mess with a toothbrush even if we're surrounded by Klingons, or whatever emergency we always end up in."

Needless to say, the Captain was taken aback from his friend's speech, and embarrassed, a lot, to see he had been played for that long. And how could he have figured that much just by watching his Captain undress in a state of panic. That is what Jim asked with his next question, just to find himself in a more embarrassing situation.

"But... but how?"

"You see, Jim, the tricorder picked up the sunburn from the beginning, and another substance: dried semen! I didn't have to think much to draw the conclusions. For the Sickbay sex, I just had to see your hands when I came back, which had the faint green color your chest now has. That meant you didn't read the product information that included a warning for human skin contact. It acts as a tanning lotion, so basically you have about the same think Spock had: a tan of a strange color. That leaves me wondering where else you put cream on your body... That and the 'I just had an orgasm' look you had on your face when I came back in."

Kirk was a deep shade of red, but couldn't help and ask the last question he knew would end his torture. "And why would you advise celibacy as a medical remedy of some sort, even if you knew what was going on? Moreover, why would you make it a sexually transmitted infection if it was only a sunburn?"

"Because it was fun to watch you suppress your urges, and retribution is better served cold," Bones added with a gleeful smirk.

Jim wasn't sure he wanted to ask his friend what retribution he was talking about...he was afraid he'd done something so awful that forgetting about it would be yet another offence his best friend could get back at him for!

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a sequel to that, but I have no idea of what Kirk did to Bones to get him that angry ;) If you want to give me some idea/challenge about what it could be, go for it ! I might choose my favourite amongst the one I received!


End file.
